Nicole Schapiro Hi Mackinzey how are you doing?

Mackinzey Great and you?

Nicole Schapiro I'm looking forward to chating with you and walking away with more choices in our lives...

Mackinzey Do you deal mostly in personal conflict management or work related conflict management

Nicole Schapiro Definitely both. We are a one-stop shop personal effects work and work effects personal...

Mackinzey Which one would you consider to be more psychologically tramatic for the individual?

Nicole Schapiro It depends what you focus on most and what makes you feel most psycholically safe, in control and important.

Mackinzey At times, both professionally and personally,

Mackinzey I experience miscommunciations that lead me to feel as if I have been lied to.

Nicole Schapiro Remember conflict is natural when two people care. The art of conflict is to manage the energy in a positive way and acknowledge what others care about.

Mackinzey The people I have these misunderstandings with are good people who like you say "care"...

Mackinzey but I can't help but feel lied to.

Mackinzey I feel as if there is no grey area .

Kass Hanson I'm quite well, thank you for asking. And you

Mackinzey How do I avoid conflict because of these miscommunications?

Nicole Schapiro That must feel very disrespectful and unsafe to you so check out your assumptions by reflecting back in a nuteral tone from my point of view the facts are?

Kass Hanson Perhaps you could give us an example?

Mackinzey Sure.

Mackinzey I'll go with a personal example

Kass Hanson Excellent.

Mackinzey My significant other told me he would go to the United ticket office and change some tickets for me.

Nicole Schapiro Breath to clear your brain. "Joe, from my point of view the facts about this project was yet I hear you say xyz. You might have another point of view can you tell me about it.

Mackinzey When I asked if he did it, he said no

Mackinzey claiming that due to our communication errors it was ...

Kathryn Serksnis "signed in"

Mackinzey grey area...he did not commit to doing it THAT day.

Nicole Schapiro When people lie it is ususally a symptom that they are feeling unsafe to tell the truth or there is more pay off to lie than to tell the truth. So what can you offer as a prize not a price from their point of view, who is this liar?

Mackinzey I just seem to have trouble telling a difference between communication misunderstandings and lies.

Mackinzey Any suggestions for avoiding this confusion?

Nicole Schapiro Communication is clear intention to solve a problem, educate, have fun and the goal is the common good. Lies, when the facts that are measureable are not presented from both people's understanding and the intent is only self positive.

Mackinzey Are there steps that can be taken to clear the communication? The people I am talking about are GOOD people who do not intend to lie...

Nicole Schapiro Yes, to avoid confusing up front clarify agreements. I understand that you will do this, this this....this way by that time and wait for the other person to say yay or nay. Followup with email if it is a work situation or a note. "I expect you will take the garbage out to that spot etc.

Nicole Schapiro Both of you are responsiblle for unclear communication. Use four steps....facts, assumptions, hope and fear. The facts are I assume that you etc...I hope that and fear that. Be silent to hear the response.

Mackinzey So remembering to reiterate the conversation for clarity may help?

Nicole Schapiro Yes, and always be intentful and speak with influence goal in mind-"what do I want the end result to be for both of us?

Ruth Stergiou

Nicole Schapiro Hi Ruth welcome!

Mackinzey Thank you.

Nicole Schapiro I hope this is helpful.

Moderator Mackinzey thank you for your questions. Does anyone else have a question?

Nicole Schapiro If you think people lie to you. You can look at your self and your trust temperature of others it might be a projection, fear and checkin out your understanding that old habit possibly.

Mackinzey It is important that I clarify my intentions/directions so that I DO not feel as if I have been lied to.

Moderator Any questions for Nicole?

Nicole Schapiro Right! And, you might express your fears by saying it is really important that people tell me what is "so" up front because I can deal with whatever it is...however, I get disappointment if I PERCEIVE that people don't tell me the truth. You are now educating not attacking the other side.

Mackinzey exactly...

Mackinzey when it comes to a task, either it WILL get done or it WON'T get done. In most cases either is fine...I just don't work in the grey area of maybe on such

Nicole Schapiro General Comment: Today more than ever when the future is so uncertain in every area of our lives people are fearful which means communication and understanding a meaning of the communication is essential. Pay attention to tone of voice, body language because many of us are afraid to communcate directly because we are unsure where the other person is at.

Nicole Schapiro Verbal messages are clouded from feeling unsafe what other people might feel and think about our perspectives today. Yet, more than ever connectedness we seek!

Kass Hanson Along those lines, knowing your feelings and boundaries and expressing themprove very beneficial i.e. "I feel slighted when you do or say this." And then be brave, face the fear, and add what you would like in the future . . . keeping in mind that dwelling on past is ineffective and will most likly make the listener defensive. Suggested comment "In the future, will you . . . " Then you are in control of the situation.

Nicole Schapiro Be strategic vulnerable and practice non-judgemental listening. Stay curious by saying to yourself I wonder why and how that person feels that way and be open to understand vs. judge.

Mackinzey Do you have any comments about gender communciation differences and the conflict it can create?

Mackinzey Professionally ?

Nicole Schapiro I agree, the past is a guide post not a hitching post. Even if you lost let's not lose the lesson. I think it is very important right now to fel like "victors not victims" even in the face knowing that there are currently a lot of victims who had no control or choice of their destiny. Managing conflict in our perspective is the only control and choice we have.

Nicole Schapiro Yes, women at meetings will wait until someone finishes their thoughts and comments. Men jump on each other's sentences. Women ask a lot of questions, men tell more. These can create prespectives that are harmful to both gender and the quality of the meeting. Do you have a specfic question or challenge?

Nicole Schapiro Men are more direct--women are more indirect! Indirect when communicating. When women are direct modeling the male culture they are often called "bitchy, pushy too much to soon

Kass Hanson Thank you all! I have to run. :) Nicole, it is an honor to cyber-chat with you. All the best!

Mackinzey Bye Kass.

Nicole Schapiro Thank you come back sometime soon.

Moderator Thank you Nicole for joining us today. Thank all of you for coming. Just a reminder this chat will be posted on the PBWC website.

Mackinzey Thank you Nicole.

Kass Hanson Will do :) Suggested book on male/female communication "The Way Men Think" Ibelieve is the title. There are a few. Ciao!

Nicole Schapiro If you are a man you might encourage women to be direct and ask questions such as "what do you think the solutions are and encourage them to participate in the same rhythme if she is a minority.